What: A Pity Party
When: All weekend
Where: Hardeman Hotel, Rm #2
Why: Because a party for one just is no fun!
I'll give you one guess how I am doing...keep thinking.....got your answer?!? Yup, crummy! I'm homesick for a home I don't have anymore. I miss my parents so much it's making me sick. I miss my sisters and their calming presence. I miss my dog and her snuggles. But most of all, I miss 9 kiddos that are my world. I don't know what it is but this past week has had me in a slump. I've been on the verge of tears 90% of the time. I can barely talk to anyone in my family without my voice quivering or blinking away tears. This never used to be this hard. Ever since I was little there was always someone in my family who lived away but it's harder now. I'm not upset no one lives in Cali. You have to go where the Lord leads, no matter what your plans are because it's His plan. not ours, and I have definitely learned that this year. And having them gone makes us closer...I know that sounds weird but it does. But I miss them....all of them.
Yesterday was a rough day. My emotions were already poopy and than I talked to Lea. She was out shopping with Maddie. I used to love going places with Mad & having her tag along with me. Maddie told Lea that she wished I was there to shop with her. Stab in the heart #1. Than, I was at the Rack and my phone had no service. A voicemail came through from Lexi. She had news for me that she had made it into her ballet company! I was so proud of her! I love seeing her dance and the joy it brings her. I could hear the smile on her face and sense that her eyes were lit up as she was talking. But I couldn't see it. I couldn't share in her joy. Instead, I stood in the Rack with huge tears rolling down my cheeks. Stab #2. Later that evening I called my parents to say hi. They were on their way to dinner with my sister and Zoey. I used to love swinging by their house before or after class to chat and see how they were doing. To play with my puppy. To have someone to keep me company when Trav worked late and crazy hours so I didn't have to eat dinner alone. But those days with my parents are over. Stab #3. Later last night a text came from Kristel saying that Parker has declared I am his girlfriend. Should have made me smile but instead it caused big, fat tears to fall because all I could think about was how much I was missing out on his little life. Stab #4.
With an aching heart I fell asleep last night. I thought it would go away and I would wake up ready for a new day. But I was wrong. It's still here. Still hurts. My stomach still has the homesick feeling in it. I'm still on the verge of tears. I know this is a growing experience. I know that this is a part of the Lord's plan. But I wish it didn't hurt. I wish I didn't feel so sad. I wish I could run to my parents today and watch the football game with my Dad. I wish my mom and I could go run a quick errand. I wish I could pick up my nieces and nephews up from school or Trav and I could take them out on "dates" like we used to. I wish I could watch them dance, play sports, play the piano, and share in all their joys.
But I can't go down the path of " I wish" or "what if". So for now, I will cheer them on from here. I will share in their joys over the phone. I will watch a football game and talk about it with my Dad later. I will try my hardest to visit often and soak up every moment I have.
I will finish out my weekend pity party and start a fresh new week. I will dive into my studies, using this as motivation to work hard and finish strong in school. But I will always miss my fam. And I love them so much more than they know.