Friday, February 4, 2011

Everything I Need

I was silly. I was unrealistic. I worked it up in my mind a little too much. I was not thinking about God's timing. I'm working on not being disappointed. I'm working on being patient. I'm working on letting go of the whole timing thing.

I threw myself a pretty nice pity party this morning. Partly because it's about to be that "time of month", partly because I just needed a good, solid cry, and partly because I built what this would be like up in my mind for 2 years only to have it be different. The end of nursing school wasn't supposed to be like this.

For 2 years we have talked and prayed about the end of nursing school. It would finally mean our life can move ahead again. For two years we have waited and taken steps back while everyone around us took steps forward. But it was ok. It was hard but it was ok because there was this light at the end of the tunnel, January 30, then end of school. 

I made a huge mistake. I had this unrealistic, almost fairytale like, picture of how this would be. I would finish school, we would find a place to live, we would get a puppy, I would get a job, and within a few months we would be expecting our first child. Was I crazy? Maybe it was all the diet dr. pepper! Coming back to the real world, as you can imagine, nothing has unfolded like that. In fact, nothing has changed. Which is normal. But not in my crazy, fantasy world mind.

Instead, we are finding ourselves being hit left and right with unexpected bills yet there is no second income coming in yet. I have been rejected from 9 new graduate programs here, in Colorado, and in Texas. ( Now, a part of that is because I haven't even taken my state boards and these days a hospital could give less about you if you are not official. Also, I don't have my BSN.) But getting those rejection emails still blows regardless. We are no closer to having a place to live of our own again, owning a pup, and let alone even think of a baby.I've been frustrated. A little mad. Very disappointed. I've ignored the encouraging words from my family and Trav, letting them disappear out the other ear without every digesting them. Trav sends me frequent texts or whispers to me when I'm falling asleep at night, " Our time will come. Just trust, Emma. We will be blessed, we are blessed, we just have to wait." I couldn't ask for a sweeter and more encouraging husband yet as he is reminding me this in my mind I'm saying, " You want me to be patient longer? Wait longer? Why can't we be blessed now the way I want to be blessed? Let's just make our own plan."

And than the Fish plays a song, one I have heard so many times but never really paid attention to, and I find myself convicted right than and there as I have been many times before. We are more blessed than we could even imagine. We have life pretty good all because of Jesus. That's all, and I mean all, that matters. We don't need more money, we don't need our own place to live, we don't need to have the best job, and we don't need all the stuff. But we do need a life filled with Jesus. We need His love, His grace, and His intervention. All of the things I was worried about or wanted to fall into place are just things to fill our life with.

It's going to be a challenge to let it all go, but from here on out there is nothing Trav or I need except for Jesus, filling us completely in every aspect of our lives. And when it is finally our timing, it's going to be better than great because we have waited, trusted, and let go. Wherever we live next whether it be a house, apartment, or a cardboard box I will cherish it that much more because of this waiting time in our lives right now. When the Lord decides to bless us with a puppy or a baby I will cherish every moment a hundred times more. When I am given a nursing position I will work that much harder, be that much more compassionate, and that much more thankful. When Trav is finally promoted we will be that much more grateful for the new hours and the new salary.

It's so comforting to know we are not in this alone. And I'm excited to wait and see the Lord's plan unfold.

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