A Heavy Heart

Last Tuesday marked our first day in the pediatric unit. It was nothing like I had expected. I was placed at a sub acute facility but it is more than that, it is a home to each patient. A school bus comes and picks up just a few for class. The rest are, and I hate to use this term, in a vegetative state. Why? Some are from birth defects or genetics, but others are preventable childhood accidents. I left that afternoon with a very heavy heart. Here are a few reasons why:

• As I looked at each child, I couldn't help but be reminded what they were missing out on. Here they were, hooked up to ventilators and restricted to their beds, children who should be learning to shoot a baskteball, ties their shoes, snuggling up to read a story, hugging their parents goodnight, and dreaming big for their future. But instead, they lay there, and their parents slowly stop coming to provide care and love that they so desperately need.
• For some of them, their condition was uncontrollable. They were born with severe handicaps that are incurable. Yet, aside from that, they are children....sweet, loving children of the Lord. One girl who was 17 years old but had the body of my 4 yr old niece would turn her head to the sound of my voice. I have no idea what she could comprehend but she would look at me with these big, brown eyes and a smile would cover her face briefly, lighting her entire face up, and than it would dissapear and she would return to how she was. Some patient's faces stay with me forever....her smile is engraved in my heart.
• My patient was a 4 year old girl, admitted to this facility when she was just under 2. She had been in her stroller out for a walk with her mom when her mom stepped off the curbed to cross the street. A car came around the corner and hit the stroller, leaving her with multiple hematomas in her brain and impairing her neurologic status forever. There were pictures covering the board in her room of her as a toddler. The day she was born. Taking her first steps. It was hard to look at those and than see her helpless & confined to a bed. I don't know if she could hear or understand me, but I stroked her head and talked to her. I wanted to read her a story but her parents didn't leave anything in her room for her. She has a problem with her thermoregulation from the accident. I had to swaddle her like an infant...adding about 5 blankets and two hats on top of that. She was a precious little angel. So tiny and fragile. But you could see everything through her eyes. Yet you could also see how lost she was.
• Another patient I worked with was 4 years old as well, also living a normal toddler hood. However, she ate a hotdog that was not cut in half ( yes, you need to cut the first piece you cut in half) and it lodge in her throat, cut off the oxygen supply to her brain, and now she is braindead. Her childhood lost.
• The nurses did not seem to truly care. I don't know if they are just so removed from everything or too relaxed at the facility. But, they didn't do much and it really bothered me.No matter what state of alertness your patient is in, absolute care and compassion should always be provdied.

I left the facility that afternoon to find myself in bumper to bumper traffic. I took this time to pray for each one of my twelve nieces and nephes. For their safety, their health, that they dream big and that they may expereince every joy that life brings them. This clinical is causing me to reconsider working in pediatrics. I can already see how I may struggle with becoming to attached to each patient. I had a friend tell me that if I thought this was hard I would never make it in peds oncology. I disagree though. In peds oncology not every patient passes away as most people think. But those kids have a fight in them, a will to live, and a hope that is greater than I will ever know. They are able to still live a somewhat normal childhood amongst all their treatments and hospital stays. Regardless though, I will be committing this to prayer that the Lord will lead and guide me to the area of nursing He can best use my strengths & gifts. Whether it be pediatrics, adult oncology, NICU, or L&D, my prayer is that I am able to follow the Lord's plan and reach out to offer love and compassion to each patient who comes along my way.

Go hug the little ones in your life. Squeeze them and tell them you love them. Life is just too short not too.

Previously On....

Last week was interesting to say the least at our mental health clinical. I was placed on the same unit as the week before but this time there was a whole new batch of clients.The day started out rough. After being forced to park at Cerritos College Vanessa, Irene, and I headed down the street to the hospital. While talking to us, Vanessa tripped and fell by the gutter on the curb and busted her ankle. She made it to the hospital but I ended up driving her back to her car so she could go home. Thankfully, her ankle was not broken but it is still to this day swollen and bruised.

Brooke, Rommel, and I were placed on the same unit as the previous week, EICU. We walked into an activity session where they were making bracelets. I kind of like coming on the floor during times like this because it offers a comfortable situation to approach a client. We pulled up chairs and sat down at the table. Before any of us said a word one girl started up a conversation that ended up lasting most of our time there. I pulled out of it part of the way through because there was a young girl sitting across from me, not participating in the group convo, that I wanted to get to know. Se was only 18 yet this was her 3rd time to the facility. She had previously been admitted for attempting to hang herself after her boy friend broke up with her and for a mjor depressive episode. She is a polysubstance abuser. Growing up, her brothers had her ask her father for money so she could go out and purchase drugs for all of them. Currently, she suffers from panic attacks and nightmares leaving her with insomnia. She is unable to eat and look as if she was wasting away. I asked her how she came to College and she informed me she wanted help so she hopped on the bus and admitted herself. Although she was originally on a voluntary status it's changed to a 5150 ( involuntary hold) because she became angry, threatened the nurses, and told everyone she was going to overdose on Ambien.

My heart broke for her as I listened to her life story and saw the sadness along with hopelessness in her eyes. The one time there was a hint of joy is when I asked who she was making her bracelet for. It was for her two year old niece. We started talking about being an aunt and she mentioned it was the "best". I couldn't agree more and I am so glad she has something to bring her some happiness amongst all the dark in her life. The rest of the evening on the floor was spent observing as the unit was labled "unsafe" due to new admissions who were having a hard time coming off their street drugs and/or adjusting to their new meds.

It was yet another great learning experience. Who knew I would end up somewhat enjoying my mental health rotation. It's never boring, that's for sure!!

This week was even more eventful. Want a sneak preview?!
1. EPS ( google it)
2. Little, latino, gasing men
3.A swing at the blonde

Arizona Part 2

After the day at my sister's, we headed over to Anthem, AZ to see where my parents now reside. I love seeing new places. I wish my parents didn't live in another state but after just driving through the streets of Anthem, I knew this was the right place for them. I'd like to call Anthem "quaint". Usually when I use that word it is for some small town in the midwest or up north or even in another country. But there is something about their new city that is. Maybe it's because it is new, so everything is still up and coming. Or maybe it is because they reach out to each resident in a manner that is very similar to a small, midwest town. My parents now live at the Anthem Country Club....it is beautiful to say the least. I still had a weird feeling in my stomach as we pulled in their new driveway, because to me, home is still on 2644 N Rivertrail Rd. That feeling quickly went away when I walked inside. The house still has a familiar smell to it. The old furniture from before still fills the front room, bring a feel of the years in California right there in AZ. Their family room has all new furniture and I was shocked to see my parents bought more modern furniture than Trav and I owned! Needless to say, the house is beautiful and it totally fits them. I instantly found myself at peace with the move.

For dinner that night we headed down to eat at Chiles....definately a favorite of my parents here in Cali. BUt really, who could resist a pan of skillet queso and a Chile's margarita?! We went for a brief tour after dinner, driving by the country club and golf course. Beautiful. Let me tell you, there really is nothing like an Arizona sunset. Especially from up on the hill of the city of Anthem. It was breathtaking. My mom had to work the next morning. My dad, Trav, and I headed down to the Good Egg for breakfast. Delish! Than off to see my mom's new school. Her school is unlike any preschool-jr. high I have ever seen! The pre-school is amazing! My favorite part was the science lab ( yes, science lab. An RN who is a mom of a student came in and made it for them! Ah, in love!) and the computer lab! It was fun meeting the people she works with and getting a feel for her life in Anthem. Afterwards, Dad, Trav, and I headed out to the outlet to do some shopping! LOVE the Anthem outlets! We found a street named, "Emma's Way". Perfect! They were meant to be in Anthem! That afternoon we met up with the Lusters, who live fairly close to my parents. We had to do a Last Chance run....and did we ever! I could have stayed in there shopping even longer! Nothing like walking out with a tank top for $1 and a scarf for $2! Such a steal! We ate dinner at this place called Rock Bottom and than headed home to watch the Bachelor Pad. ( Well, Ash and I watched while Trav and Levi made jokes the whole time) The next morning Levi made us the "Luster Special"...can you guess?! Biscuits and gravy! Trav always orders them when we go out....all thanks to Levi! They were very good....my first time to ever eat them!

 Trav thinks this is his dog...he couldn't be more wrong ;)

We spent the rest of the afternoon with my dad. We took a tour of their community center. I have to say, I have never seen anything like it! The gym, swimming pool, rock climbing, and water park were enough to sell me on them living there! There was this huge recreational park with skate parks, hockey rinks, baseball fields, soccer fields, beach volleyball, train park, and massive playgrounds! I know all the grandkids are going to be in heaven when they visit! A monsoon hit! Perfect time for me to take a nap with my puppy! That night we met up with Kristel and Zoey for dinner. Zoey is too cute out at a restaurant. Towards the end, she came and sat on my lap. I wanted to take a picture and everytime Trav would  click the camera she would make a farting noise. Thank Parker and Kody! But, it made for a cute picture still! 

On our last morning we headed down to Gilbert to take Lexi and Tessa lunch at school! We had so much fun eating and hanging out with their friends. They are both getting so old and it's happening too fast! I soak up each moment I have with them! We had a wonderful weekend away with our AZ family. I can't wait to head back out there this Friday!

Logan John is here!

On Sunday, September 12, our twelfth nephew was born!!! Heidi gave birth to Logan John Ploog and he is just about the cutest lil thing you have seen!

It was a fun day as we all anxiously waited to meet the new baby. Heidi checked into the hospital early so the boys headed over to the Hardeman's to hang out for the day. Van, Hud, and I played Star Wars all morning using the stairs as our space ship. We battled Darth, and the spikey guy, storm troopers, Zerg, and many more. I will say being Princess Leia is fun! The jacuzzi was heated up and it was swim time! Huddy thought it was hilarious to throw his toys into the big pool....or should I say, the FREEZING pool....so I would have to go in and retrieve them! Good thing I hadn't shaved my legs yet! ;) Vander is a fish and was quite content swimming around. Huddy is still a little unsure of the water. At one point he was standing on the step and took a face plant in the water. Don't worry, I was sitting right there so he was fine but his eyes became saucers and than he spent the rest of the time on the edge just scooping the water! We had a delish lunch of mac'n'cheese with hot dogs....I still love kid food! The boys went down for their naps, excited that "their baby" would be here when they woke up!

Katie came over and we ate lunch, waiting for the call that he was here. The text finally came! Logan John was here and healthy! Praise the Lord for a safe and quick delivery for Heid and Logan! When the boys got up we showed them pictures of their new bro and headed over to the hospital! It was the best experience watching them meet Logan. Vander is so sweet and caring. He immediately hugged and kissed his new little brother....and than found the suckers! Huddy approached the baby differently....with a noogie! Than he managed to find himself two suckers to eat...at the same time! I feel pretty blessed to be a part of the Hardeman clan and an auntie to these three, incredible boys. Sharing in the joy that day will be a memory I will always have!

Trav and I headed back to the hospital with Trent & Teri later that evening so they could all meet Logan. I love seeing Trav hold a newborn! Although he gets a little nervous before, he really does get excited about it.  There is something so sweet about seeing a tiny, little infant in his arms!

Logan John is just about the cutest thing! We just love him so much already and I have been having a hard time getting anything done because I just want to go over there to snuggle him! Trav and I are SO thankful for our dozen of healthy & perfect blessings! 

We found Darth!

Last Saturday we took Hudson and Vander to Disneyland. It was our first time with both the boys...and being at Disneyland with Huddy. It was a ton of fun having them there together. Van has a new found love for Star Wars. I had told him about the Star Tours ride and how Darth Vador, the Jedis, and Storm Troopers were at Disneyland. I made the mistake of promising him they would be there. ( Note to self, never promise a 3 year old that a character will be some place because that is all they can think about and the characters aren't always there!)

Vander talked the entire ride to the park. He told us all about what we would do when we were there, who we would see, and what we would say to them. We headed straight for Buzz when we got inside, until Vander saw the Star Tours ride. He immediately lit up and declared we should ride it. One problem: They are fixing it and it won't open till 2011. Darnet. Way to go promising him, Aunt Emma! Trav and I decided to run up past the Buzz ride to the hamburger spot where they do the Jedi training. We were just in time! The show was about to start! I grabbed the boys and got great seats while Trav parked the stroller. Vander was so excited he could hardly sit still! The Jedi's came in and taught a few kids how to use light savers. Than, over the speakers we heard the breathing of non other but Darth Vador! The coolest thing was the stage grew and he came up out of the ground with Darth Maul. I'm pretty sure Vander's jaw dropped and his eyes popped out! The show ended up being really great and the storm troopers made an appearance. Afterwards, Van looked at me and said, " We found Darth!!" Such a joy seeing him so excited. Like a dream had been made real!

Buzz Lightyear and Small World were our next stops. Huddy was fascinated with Small World. He tried to find the "doggie" in each country we rode through. We had a great few hours at the happiest place on earth. It is so fun sharing Disneyland with kids! 

Is it bad I dream of one day having our own double stroller to push around?!?!

Huddy laughing with his Uncle Trav in line

Van man and Buzz! He is growing up too fast!

Loved seeing Hudson so excited at Dland!

Man, I love these 3 blondies!

First one down

Although I have a stack of homework to plow through for tomorrow, I need to write down last Wednesdays clinical before I forget it all...which is likely to happen because my days are starting to all run together! Last Wednesday showed me how brutal this term will be. Class starts at 8am for lecture and than I get enough time to eat lunch before I have to report at College Hospital for my clinical shift till 11pm. Now, don't forget Tuesday consisted of a clinical, Thursday holds another class, and Friday....7 am pediatrics lecture! So by having this crazy Wednesday, it throws me off for the whole week....hints the dark circles under my eyes. :)

I was nervous when I arrived at the hospital. There is no question about that. I think we all were. In our pre-conference we took a math exam and than everyone just sat there. Silent. No one knew what to expect. We all had our own vision of what this clinical would be like and I don't think any of them were positive. Of course, my sweet professor can sense our worries and fear. She put a positive spin on everything and took us on to our units.

Brooke, Rommel, and I were assigned to EICU. ( Not the very dangerous, but not the high functioning....somewhere in the middle. A transitions unit.) When we arrived on the floor, the staff was very welcoming...one of the night RN's was a graduate from our school! The patient's...wait, I need to call them clients now....the clients were just sitting down for dinner. We didn't want to disturb them so we grabbed a few charts and headed into the visiting room to familiarize ourselves with their charting system. It came time to head out to pick our client. The only area we can be with them is called the day room. It's like a large family room that opens up outside to the smoking patio. When in the day room, everyone is within eyesight and they are kept a close eye on. I initially choose a young man, about 21 years old, to try and approach. I saw down next to him at the table and said hi. No response. I than asked him his name and introduce myself. One word response. I sat in silence for a minute and than tried to continue the conversation but it was going no where. He pulled his hood over his head and I took that as a sign he wanted to be alone. I wasn't going to push it! I'm glad too because later he was sitting there talking to himself, cursing up a storm, and I'm afraid if I had been talking to him I would have set him off.

I turned to look across the table from me to where a Hispanic lady, about 50, was finishing her dinner. I smiled at her and she returned it. Ok, so far so good. I greeted her and introduced myself. She did the same. Alright two for two. We may have a conversation here! And did we ever. After that she talked for 2 hours straight...I'm not kidding or exaggerating either. I've always seen the words, "pressure speech", on mental health assessment forms but I never knew what it was until that night. Some of what she said I could not make out due to her accent. But here is a snippet of what I did learn....remember, she suffers from a psychotic disorder so these are all just thoughts running around in her head.....

• The water at the hospital is poisoned. I should only drink Sparklett bottled water because that is safe. All other bottles the staff opens up and drops in white tablets that poisons people. And, I should never touch the tap water. It may kill me.
• I should never walk the streets in LA. ( Like I would anyways, right?!) She went into great...and I mean great...detail about what would happen to me if I did.  Enough so that if I hadn't been so completely exhausted by the time I got home I probably would have had a massive nightmare. Needless to say, I will never walk by an alley again...ever.
• She apparently was once a cosmotologist from Mexico. She did manis, pedis, and hair. But someone broke into her shop....and later on it was her car that was broken in to....and stole her license. She than made a plan as to what she would do to pay them back for stealing her job. She also blamed it on America.
• Don't ever get a shot. Why? Because it too is poison. When they gave her a shot ( i'm assuming when she was admitted because she was belligerent and dangerous to herself and others.) she waited till the needle was removed before she pinched her skin on her arm and squeezed all the poison out. Otherwise she would be dead. 
• They even come after white girls like me. Who? I don't know. 
• She thought my scrubs looked like Popeye and Olive Oil. Awesome. I usually say they are a mix between Merry Maids, Top Chef, and a sailor, but Popeye was truly genius. 

I could go on for another 20 bullet points on different things she said. One of the interesting aspects of the conversation I noticed was that while she was rambling off all of this, I could literally see how the thoughts and images were just racing around inside her head, unable to straighten them out. Her face held this blank look to it...almost as if her eyes were hollow and you could stare right through the dark, black pupils. Something I have never experienced before.

Before we left, I flipped around in her chart to gather information I would need for my assignment due tomorrow. I wanted to see her admission note so I knew why she was brought in. It was against her will, meaning she was there on involuntary status. She was admitted because in a psychotic moment, she stabbed her roommate with a dinner fork and than chased her neighbor with a kitchen knife, threatening to kill him because of "what he had done." I'm glad I found all this out after we had been talking for 2 hours!

The unit wasn't so bad....but not the field of medicine for me. I do think i will enjoy this clinical though. As long as I never let my guard down! I noticed last week how easy it can be to forget that each one is unstable so I need to make sure I am cautious of that last night. It was a good first week though and I am interested to see who I can converse with tomorrow!

Always in our Hearts

9/11 will never be forgotten by anyone who lived on that day just 9 years ago. We will never forget the way we felt as we watched the day unfold on the tv. We will never forgot the faces that spread across the newspapers and tvs. We will never forget the way our heart ached for those that lost loved ones and for those who experienced it all first hand. We will never forget the firefighters, policemen, and civilians who put their life on the line that day. We will never forget the men and woman who joined in our country's armed forces to protect each of us, to protect our freedom, our safety, and our country from something like this ever happening again.

I will never forget watching the news and seeing the 2nd plane hit when I woke up. I will never forget standing with my parents in the kitchen, praying for those that had already lost their lives and for what the day would entail. I will never forget sitting in AP World History and watching the tower fall to the ground. I remember the silence that filled the hallways and classrooms. I remember my economics teacher rushing to leave school since his sister worked in the Twin Towers. I remember my mom saying, " You are experiencing history. You will never forget today."

And we won't. Not one of us. It will always be on our hearts. We will always take Sept. 11 of every year and remember. Travel back to that day. See how we can continue to move forward as "one nation, under God."